i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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