I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Randomize
