peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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