I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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