3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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