I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
