Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
