plz talk dirty to me
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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