you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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