I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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