walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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