it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
