I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
