Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
