you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
