just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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