You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
don't judge my taste in strippers
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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