There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
