All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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