While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
