sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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