saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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