I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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