I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
