i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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