ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
