I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
