my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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