Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
