Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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