i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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