A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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