if you like me you must not know who I am
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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