i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
