My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
