it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
