Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
