if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
