When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
