Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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