It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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