So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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