you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
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Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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