as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
