She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
