sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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