Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
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my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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