If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
