my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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