Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
