I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
