I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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