Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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