My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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