and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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